Look at you
So mighty. So majestic.
Rising. Standing tall. Stoic.
Your leaves twinkle
With kisses from the sun.
A gentle breeze
And you quiver.
Your spine gently curves
Here and there
Trying to reach above
Moving this way and that.
Even against a stormy sky
You smile.
The weight of the world is crushing me.
At night i wiggle my feet around.
Do a snuggle.
Hold you extra close.
Remind myself what i have.
In the fetal position..on the ground..i want to claw and tear at the fabric of the earth and bring it to me like a shroud
I knew it was coming
Years in the making
Things werent right after grandpa died
Must feel like a constant acid trip
The mind..
Slowly going, going, gone
I touched her
She didnt feel real
Stiff. Cold. Like a doll.
A human sized, happy doll.
Her whole body shifted
When i touched her arm.
I stroked her hand,
Touched her rings.
I remember I touched her face too?
I stumbled against her casket, drunk
For one last goodbye
Seems morbid.
Seems wrong
She seemed happy tho
If youre small enough
You can move through anything
(At the quantum level)
I wish i were small
Why do i hate myself so much?
I wish i could disappear
Sometimes.
Most of the time.
Im such a masochist
Ive realized
Over time.
I think im actually trying to gain weight
I said the other day.
Why would you do that??
If you want to disappear?
I think i always thought id be great
Larger than life
Maybe.
Maybe i havent
(Always thought that)
People quietly talking
Walking by
In the distance..
The music
The rhythm
Its so soothing
To be surrounded
But so alone
You dont have to explain it to me
I know.
What its like to be lonely.
What its like to be alone
The collapsing of the gut
The suffocating fear
The stark realization
This. Is.it.
The quiet din…
Its soothing
A heavy heart hangs
Shoulders drop and sway
Forward
And backwards we go.
This can never be fixed
The heart wants what the heart wants..
They say
Remember me.
Or forget.
Remember me!
Its gray and the snow is dirty here
The city isnt smiling
When i drive away
Into somewhere
I Look back into forever
Barks in the night
And alone, so alone.
Shifty
Eyes wide
Wine to lips
Velvety.
What’s that?
What’s that, you say!?
I’m dying!
I’m dying!
Is this it?
This could be it.
Too much humility
Too much pride
Even when it all goes white
Even when i don’t feel
Even when panic sets in
Wide eyed
Cant breathe
Shaking
Heart racing
Scared to move
Cant spell anything
Cant speak
There you are!!!
I pour out my wine
I swear it off!
And i forget everything
I look up into your eyes
You nod your head
And gesture
You taught me
And i trusted you
You gave me no reason to..
Trust you
But i did anyway
Im surprised I’m not dead now
I followed your advice
And it did almost kill me
My life
Was full of wonder then
I wondered
And this is what happened
Even now when i look back
I remember what i was thinking
I was thinking..
This is magical.
On and on and on again
Never feeling a thing
Going thru the motions
Definitely not the (e)motions
And i guess thats what inevitably
Brought us here
To this place.
In the end.
Or the beginning
However you want to see it
To this sad, lonely, angry..hurtful,
painful little place
There was never a thought
No anxiety
While i was pretending to live
You went and blindsided me.
It was however
Exactly what i needed
I was sleeping so sweetly
And soundly
Maybe even dreaming
Goo goo
And gaah gaah-ing
Im here now
I snapped to attention
Real fast
With the end of summer
Comes breezes and
Back to school smells
Leather bindings and
Pine needles
The sweet smell of decay
Skies turn grey and
Leaves turn orange..
and yellow.
Rains turn cold and misty
And slowly
Smoke starts rising
From a chimney here and there
And soon
There’s nothing like a walk in the evening
The crisp light layer
of new snow
and the smell of smoke
and the wood burning
I wonder to myself
What you’re doing in there
By that fire
Mom is telling stories
As we crunch along..
At a clip
Faces burning (From the cold)
As I have fleeting thoughts
Of green leaves rustling
Against a blue sky
Hair turns greasy
From whipping in the wind
Across your face
Across my face
And the sugary smell
And the sound it makes
When you drag your feet
In the warm Michigan sand.
It’s made of quartz you know.